Friday, April 07, 2006
new tears welling up inside now..how shld i start? i oso dun noe..mind is in a mess..dun noe wat 2 tink either..its like everyting is comin back..frdship..rs..parents..responsibilities..haix..y do i always trap myself? when i can juz rebel n everyting is beta for me..?! cos deep inside i noe its not true..if i rebel..everyting will b worst..
start wif frdship ba..
i noe everytime since sec3 i've been neglecting my frdx..cos i dun dare or cos i meetin him.. haix..i hate myself leh..when i have 2 reject my frdx..but does any1 noe b4 sec3 i was a loner oso? sec1-2 ok still got frdx...but its not tt many is like i have onli 1 frd 2 talk wif..n b comfortable wif..p5-6 oso same ting..p1-5? i tot i had a best frd..but now i tink i was immature n didnt noe wat best frd is..end up tt frdship oso didnt last..ended when we went diff class..sure we exchange bday gifts..but well..its diff..den p4? i avoided some1 hu was my classmate in pap..cos she too sticky..den p5 diff class we oso spilt..haix..it was in sec3..i found a frd hu was e closest? but end up oso spilt though now we still frdx..but oso diff..sec4..close wif xiao wei jie..now..we oso rarely communicate..haix..i've always neglect is it y i dun have frdx? i dun noe..!! argh..!! im gg crazy.. everytime jie ask me go for outing i oso reject..cos im afraid 2 ask parents? stupid stupid me.!!
juz now jie ask me if i free tml evening..i asked y..i not sure..den she say u always not sure de..nvm den..forget it..those words sting man..i noe she put smiley at e end but..haix..den i called her lo..she asked me go jemin's party tml..lol..so good huh..i wonder my bday how..haix..oh well.. den i was like wanna go..but oso dun dare..i juz plucked up my courage n ask anyway wif jie on e line..den she a bit like suspectin..!! argh..!! i noe i lied b4..but den..haix..forget it..dun wish to type le..dun noe wat i typin oso..haix..
dun noe wat shold i get her man..how how how?! sianx..not close wif her..but den sec4 we were a group..!! n i reali miss hanging out wif them..so ya lo..haix..tml gonna take pic..!! hehe if can ba..hope almost whole gang go..hehe..
rs..well..its e same ting as parents ba..haix..so ya..dun wanna say le..
responsibilities?! haix..i noe im not a good daughter, sis or even frdx..im not even responsible enough lo..haix..i let every1 down..tt's wat i've always been doin anyway..lettin ppl down..haix..always hurting those close wif me..esp my mum ba..she cares..but i oso wan my freedom....!! do they noe how envy i m of my frdx?! mayb my dad noe..but still he wun help me wif my rs?! argh..!! i dun noe wat 2 tink or believe anymore..im tired..so so tired..
do they noe tt im hurtin deep inside..cryin for comfort?!
thinking of you @ 6:34 PM
i reali pity her..is it call pity? everytime i hurt her..i feel so dam bad n like im e most hateful person in e world..how can i hurt her? aft all she has been thru for me n e fam? sometimes i reali hate myself for doin tings im doin..wat m i tryin 2 prove anyway?! i dun noe.. but sometimes it reali get on my nerve..i love her..but i tink she dun believe i do..seeing her worry abt job..us..dad make her look so old..so tired..i reali wanna go ober n hug her..tell her everyting is alright..she dun have 2 stress herself so much..but wat will she say? most prob.."tt's y u both dun give me worry..i everynite cannot slp u noe? thinkin abt stuff..i veri heartpain c u all like dis..." *translation fr teochew" say im selfish..cos i reali am..i dun wan 2 hurt myself..yet.. hu m i?! i cant even ans tt qn.. i dun even dare say a sorry to her.. or them.. haix...
drowning in my sorrows n hurt n loneliness...
thinking of you @ 12:42 AM
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
yest i suddenly felt lonely n sorrowful again..like life is so boring till im almost hm e whole day..!! i cant believe it..haix..dis whole hols i onli went out like 3times?! wait or is it 2? ya i tink its 2.. 1 is double dating wif mei..2nd is not even outin..is juz movie wif baby aft movie went back..haix e rest of e time im out is gym..or at baby's place..n ya..lied 2 them again..haix..i guess my life is juz like dis?! well..
i noe darling will say not 2 tink my life is like tt..but well..it is..sigh..
n 2 add on..my sis in upset wif me now..cos i didnt wanna go her cca performance in sch..haix..my fault again..y do i always seem 2 hurt ppl? argh..!! sis i wun find excuse for myself ba..i guess i noe u wan me 2 pei u..every step of e way..i noe im selfish..sayin sorry wun change a ting..well..i dun noe wat 2 say le..if u givin me a black face make u feel beta..go ahead ba..i noe im not a good sis anyway..
1day if i vanish will ppl feel pain for me?! or will they tink "great 1 less b*tch in e world..?"
thinking of you @ 4:06 PM